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My life has become this amazingly unexpected journey of people, places and events. I sit looking at it and only could feel gratitude. Yet in the mornings I wake up to the feeling of separation that keeps growing. I've always battled with the concept of connectedness and inter-connectedness and it just keeps growing. Seems the more I understand what connectedness is all about, the more I realise my distinct separation to everything around me. Perhaps this is the nature and order of things.
Someone told me that I wouldn't understand this until I could throw myself into the depths of my loneliness and isolation. That only there I would find the answer to this constant knowing of my separation. The idea is probably the single most frightening one I have yet encountered. Being alone, left behind, not part of, not included...yet it happens, irrespective of the opposite.
But like the song Cough Syrup says "if I could find a way to see this straight I'd run away to some fortune that I should have found by now". It feels like I should have found this fortune in knowledge by now.
Meh
I had to write something down here because if I had to see my old entry once more I'd puke.
Over & out!
The young receptionist's birthday
As we sat there in the silence of the office eating a slice of the cake I had bought her, I noticed her wiping away some tears. I felt inadequate. Still I did not know whether they were tears of gratitude or tears of sadness.
Is it ticking?
I've never wanted children. Primarily because I still feel like one myself. But I've hit that point in life where I look around and see all of my peers as new farthers and mothers. I must admit I do feel a tad left behind. It heightens this feeling that being gay is not normal. That I'll not experience that first look into the eyes of a being you've created.
I think for the most part it's more my competitive steak rising. Perhaps even jealousy.
Still I look at them and feel a rather deep feeling of inability to participate. Left behind in some form. I think all I need is to spend time with tired and whining kids to cure this odd feel
Films about ghosts
I find myself reminiscing a lot about younger years lately. I never liked being younger (think I may have mentioned that before here). Yet the older I become the more memories pop up of when I was younger.
The memories find me in strange little ways scattered along the day. What intrigues me is the purpose behind it. Why I remember odd things like the way I felt when I heard a certain song...what the air felt like in that moment and how I didn't like the dapple shade on that terrace...what my skin felt like when I was 16 lying on the floor reading a book...what my high school blazer smelled like...the feeling of the ring they put under m
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Thanks for sharing.